5 ms·

| and let's be honest: if you're a single man in the Valley, you're not getting laid From my curiosity as a late-20s guy not living in the US: For what reasons

| and let's be honest: if you're a single man in the Valley, you're not getting laid From my curiosity as a late-20s guy not living in the US: For what reasons is a single man in the Valley not getting laid?

adrtessier 11y ago
The male:female ratio feels like it's 50:1. It actually is skewed male in the Valley proper.
rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
Because it's a sausagefest and unless you're considerably wealthy and attractive, you're pretty much (never getting) screwed.
Kalium 11y ago
Not only is it a sausagefest, but there are some shockingly strong veins of thought which hold that you're a terrible person. For the unpardonable sin of being a "techie".
- rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
  "Yeah, so, like, everyone here that's not from here works in tech, so you say you work at Apple and that doesn't really do anything for me." When I heard that, I knew Silicon Valley had nothing left for me, and I've never looked back.
  - kzhahou 11y ago
    Where'd you go?
    - rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
      It was after a Hackathon that flew me and a few college buddies out to sf for the weekend. We were talking with some locals at Dolores when I heard that. EDIT: If you mean where I left for, then I went back home, Ithaca NY. Aside from it being much smaller and having the shittiest weather in the United States, it's an excellent place to live. Short commute, super friendly people, good local organic food, and it's not constantly in a drought. In fact, it is the safest place in the US from the effects of climate change and it's insulated from pretty much every natural disaster imaginable. It also has a minuscule cost of living compared to coastal cities and there's much, much more space than you'll ever get in a big city. Just be prepared for cloud coverage so thick you could go weeks without seeing the sun.
      - benmarten 11y ago
        Yeah - I'm glad to be in the Valley :)
      - cjrp 11y ago
        Is there much opportunity for tech workers there? I have family there and have considered moving, but it seems like unless you work at Cornell there isn't much going for devs?
        rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
        It's a fabulous place to live but if you don't work for higher education you work in the service industry for people in higher ed. Or you work remote. I work for cornell and it's great but if I didn't work there idk how I'd find employment in town.
  - rhizome 11y ago
    Just about everybody in SF is from somewhere else. Something like 8% of the population is under 18.
    - Kalium 11y ago
      It's best viewed as the equivalent of "Ewww, a nerd".
- scurvy 11y ago
  Yeah, it is a sausagefest, but honestly, it's not terrible. Be outgoing. Don't try and argue with non-techies about Node vs Rails. Leave tech at work. Don't make it your entire life, and you'll do fine. It's not that dire. I moved here single. I dated a lot. I'm now married. I'm by no means a player. I live in a more popular area of SF where young people live and go out all nights of the week. Tech people are not at a disadvantage. Don't believe the (bad) hype and play into stereotypes. If you're young, fabulous, doing well financially, but striking out with dates, don't blame it on your job or location. Dating is a contact sport. The more contacts you make, the better off you are.
  - Kalium 11y ago
    I shall be brief. Your advice is great... and I would enthusiastically apply it if I hadn't adopted it years ago. My results have differed sharply from yours.
- throwawaymaroon 11y ago
  Perhaps you would do well to dwell on why it is so shockingly strong.
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
sulam 11y ago
I actually don't think it's true, but it would take a large study to prove anything obviously. My personal experience was that it was much easier to have a fling or some other form of temporary relationship in NYC vs SF. Strictly for context, I spent a portion of my 20's literally living in both cities, without a committed relationship in either location. In NYC you could "get laid" relatively easily, but actually dating was harder. In SF there was more actual dating, which generally led to sex but it took longer. Which one you prefer is going to be a matter of taste obviously -- I actually preferred SF, the hookup culture felt pretty shallow to me. This was all more than a decade ago for me though, and everything I've heard about Tinder and such leads me to believe the hookup culture is pretty active in SF at this point. Life on the Peninsula is probably way worse for dating, simply because it's so much more spread out. And now I need an anonymous posting button for HN. :)
- anonypous 11y ago
  | And now I need an anonymous posting button for HN. :) That's why I signed up for this alt ;) A lot of other replies have mentioned the ratio. Did you find this to be an issue?
  - sulam 11y ago
    The ratio had an effect, but in practice it was manageable. In NY attractive women were common enough that they would pick _me_ up (this was a complete shock to my system the first time it happened). In SF I had to make the first move. I could walk into almost any random bar in NY and be flirting with someone within 5 minutes. In SF I had to pick my venues. 10+ years ago it was already somewhat common in SF to go on a date with someone you met online, but in NY that wasn't a way to casually meet people. In NY working in tech was interesting, not so much in SF. In SF I would meet people at the climbing gym, an outdoor rave, or through work. In NY it was bars, clubs, and through work, although the work hookups were extremely illicit.
aianus 11y ago
It's hard to compete. No woman is going to sleep with an average dude making $150,000 when she can sleep with the better looking, smarter guy down the street sitting on $8 million in Dropbox stock.
- in_cahoots 11y ago
  When I see comments like this I feel like I'm living in an entirely different world from some people. I'm a twenty-something woman in tech, working in Silicon Valley. Most of my coworkers are in relationships or married. I have friends making $50k or 80k who are in relationships. I've never (knowingly) met a guy in my age range who's a multi-millionaire. And income's definitely not on the top of my interest list. So I can only conclude that not only do you and I exist in different social circles, but that your workplace must be significantly different from mine in order for us to reach such different conclusions.
  - Kalium 11y ago
    Visit the Balboa Cafe sometime. Listen to guys brag about expensive cars and boats and so on that they actually don't have. It's very common for guys to feel judged on very shallow grounds. Nevermind the "eww, a techie" reaction.
  - nostrademons 11y ago
    Probably different values too. My wife grew up in Silicon Valley but never worked in tech. On our first date, I casually mentioned that I worked on a couple of the Google Doodles. She was like "What are those?" On a later date, I mentioned that I'd found myself standing in front of Larry Page in the lunch line, and she was like "Who's Larry Page?" Sigh. When casual name-dropping doesn't work, we're forced to rely on our personalities. The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking that dating worked liked the grandparent post thinks it works only a few short years ago. Boy did I have a lot to learn. Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.
binarysolo 11y ago
Note there's a strong selection bias for people who post on HN. There's definitely plenty of ways to get laid... but you need a sourcing mechanism. Typically that's people from your hobbies or from your social circles... and hopefully those circles are gender-neutral and in your age range. :) Disclaimer: I am a techie with very artsy hobbies.
bjacks 11y ago
There's a reason they call it Man Jose!

adrtessier 11y ago

The male:female ratio feels like it's 50:1. It actually is skewed male in the Valley proper.

rm_-rf_slash 11y ago

Because it's a sausagefest and unless you're considerably wealthy and attractive, you're pretty much (never getting) screwed.

Kalium 11y ago

Not only is it a sausagefest, but there are some shockingly strong veins of thought which hold that you're a terrible person. For the unpardonable sin of being a "techie".

rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
"Yeah, so, like, everyone here that's not from here works in tech, so you say you work at Apple and that doesn't really do anything for me." When I heard that, I knew Silicon Valley had nothing left for me, and I've never looked back.
- kzhahou 11y ago
  Where'd you go?
  - rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
    It was after a Hackathon that flew me and a few college buddies out to sf for the weekend. We were talking with some locals at Dolores when I heard that. EDIT: If you mean where I left for, then I went back home, Ithaca NY. Aside from it being much smaller and having the shittiest weather in the United States, it's an excellent place to live. Short commute, super friendly people, good local organic food, and it's not constantly in a drought. In fact, it is the safest place in the US from the effects of climate change and it's insulated from pretty much every natural disaster imaginable. It also has a minuscule cost of living compared to coastal cities and there's much, much more space than you'll ever get in a big city. Just be prepared for cloud coverage so thick you could go weeks without seeing the sun.
    - benmarten 11y ago
      Yeah - I'm glad to be in the Valley :)
    - cjrp 11y ago
      Is there much opportunity for tech workers there? I have family there and have considered moving, but it seems like unless you work at Cornell there isn't much going for devs?
      - rm_-rf_slash 11y ago
        It's a fabulous place to live but if you don't work for higher education you work in the service industry for people in higher ed. Or you work remote. I work for cornell and it's great but if I didn't work there idk how I'd find employment in town.
- rhizome 11y ago
  Just about everybody in SF is from somewhere else. Something like 8% of the population is under 18.
  - Kalium 11y ago
    It's best viewed as the equivalent of "Ewww, a nerd".
scurvy 11y ago
Yeah, it is a sausagefest, but honestly, it's not terrible. Be outgoing. Don't try and argue with non-techies about Node vs Rails. Leave tech at work. Don't make it your entire life, and you'll do fine. It's not that dire. I moved here single. I dated a lot. I'm now married. I'm by no means a player. I live in a more popular area of SF where young people live and go out all nights of the week. Tech people are not at a disadvantage. Don't believe the (bad) hype and play into stereotypes. If you're young, fabulous, doing well financially, but striking out with dates, don't blame it on your job or location. Dating is a contact sport. The more contacts you make, the better off you are.
- Kalium 11y ago
  I shall be brief. Your advice is great... and I would enthusiastically apply it if I hadn't adopted it years ago. My results have differed sharply from yours.
throwawaymaroon 11y ago
Perhaps you would do well to dwell on why it is so shockingly strong.

deleted 11y ago

[deleted]

sulam 11y ago

I actually don't think it's true, but it would take a large study to prove anything obviously. My personal experience was that it was much easier to have a fling or some other form of temporary relationship in NYC vs SF. Strictly for context, I spent a portion of my 20's literally living in both cities, without a committed relationship in either location. In NYC you could "get laid" relatively easily, but actually dating was harder. In SF there was more actual dating, which generally led to sex but it took longer. Which one you prefer is going to be a matter of taste obviously -- I actually preferred SF, the hookup culture felt pretty shallow to me. This was all more than a decade ago for me though, and everything I've heard about Tinder and such leads me to believe the hookup culture is pretty active in SF at this point. Life on the Peninsula is probably way worse for dating, simply because it's so much more spread out. And now I need an anonymous posting button for HN. :)

anonypous 11y ago
| And now I need an anonymous posting button for HN. :) That's why I signed up for this alt ;) A lot of other replies have mentioned the ratio. Did you find this to be an issue?
- sulam 11y ago
  The ratio had an effect, but in practice it was manageable. In NY attractive women were common enough that they would pick _me_ up (this was a complete shock to my system the first time it happened). In SF I had to make the first move. I could walk into almost any random bar in NY and be flirting with someone within 5 minutes. In SF I had to pick my venues. 10+ years ago it was already somewhat common in SF to go on a date with someone you met online, but in NY that wasn't a way to casually meet people. In NY working in tech was interesting, not so much in SF. In SF I would meet people at the climbing gym, an outdoor rave, or through work. In NY it was bars, clubs, and through work, although the work hookups were extremely illicit.

aianus 11y ago

It's hard to compete. No woman is going to sleep with an average dude making $150,000 when she can sleep with the better looking, smarter guy down the street sitting on $8 million in Dropbox stock.

in_cahoots 11y ago
When I see comments like this I feel like I'm living in an entirely different world from some people. I'm a twenty-something woman in tech, working in Silicon Valley. Most of my coworkers are in relationships or married. I have friends making $50k or 80k who are in relationships. I've never (knowingly) met a guy in my age range who's a multi-millionaire. And income's definitely not on the top of my interest list. So I can only conclude that not only do you and I exist in different social circles, but that your workplace must be significantly different from mine in order for us to reach such different conclusions.
- Kalium 11y ago
  Visit the Balboa Cafe sometime. Listen to guys brag about expensive cars and boats and so on that they actually don't have. It's very common for guys to feel judged on very shallow grounds. Nevermind the "eww, a techie" reaction.
- nostrademons 11y ago
  Probably different values too. My wife grew up in Silicon Valley but never worked in tech. On our first date, I casually mentioned that I worked on a couple of the Google Doodles. She was like "What are those?" On a later date, I mentioned that I'd found myself standing in front of Larry Page in the lunch line, and she was like "Who's Larry Page?" Sigh. When casual name-dropping doesn't work, we're forced to rely on our personalities. The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking that dating worked liked the grandparent post thinks it works only a few short years ago. Boy did I have a lot to learn. Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.

binarysolo 11y ago

Note there's a strong selection bias for people who post on HN. There's definitely plenty of ways to get laid... but you need a sourcing mechanism. Typically that's people from your hobbies or from your social circles... and hopefully those circles are gender-neutral and in your age range. :) Disclaimer: I am a techie with very artsy hobbies.

bjacks 11y ago

There's a reason they call it Man Jose!