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Marriage requires time, energy, empathy. It requires mental, physical, emotional and spiritual support. A successful marriage forces two people to put the succe

Marriage requires time, energy, empathy. It requires mental, physical, emotional and spiritual support. A successful marriage forces two people to put the success of the marriage above their individual successes. No institution that I know of forces an individual to abandon selfishness so completely. For it to work, individuality itself needs to be abandoned. So it's not really surprising that so many talented, ambitious people have had failing marriages.

maratd 11y ago
> Marriage requires time, energy, empathy. Yes! As do all things. If you're not willing to commit the time, energy, and empathy necessary to get a cooperative task done, don't start it. > It requires mental, physical, emotional and spiritual support. No! Co-dependence is the path to ruin. This is very different from empathy and rendering help. Don't be a crutch for anyone else. Ever. > A successful marriage forces two people to put the success of the marriage above their individual successes. No no no! This is the path to misery and unhappiness. Your interests should coincide! They should be mutually shared! The success of any partnership is based on common interests, not on the partners selflessly making themselves miserable for the sake of some perceived interest of the other party. Always pursue your own happiness. A healthy marriage is where you can make the other person happy by doing just that. > For it to work, individuality itself needs to be abandoned. Absolutely not! This sort of romantic nonsense plays well on Disney movies, but doesn't work in real life. You'll just make yourself miserable, then you'll make your partner miserable, then your kids, and then everyone else in your family. Absolutely take care of yourself FIRST. If you don't take care of yourself and your needs, you can't take of anyone else! Nobody needs a useless, moping wreck of a person who is always depressed. Take care of yourself, then take care of others. It works the same way as those emergency instructions you see on a plane. Put your mask on first. If you're not breathing, you can't help anyone else by definition. > So it's not really surprising that so many talented, ambitious people have had failing marriages. So many talented, ambitious people have failed marriages because they over-think things. They go on the Internet and read stupid posts. Normal people don't do that!
- ryanwaggoner 11y ago
  How long have you been married?
  - groby_b 11y ago
    Not that I'm the person you ask, but for the sake of addressing your unspoken implication: 20 - and I concur with most of what the OP said. So does pretty much any therapist working with couples. We can quibble about details, but codependence and abandoning your individuality is the path to misery.
    - ryanwaggoner 11y ago
      Married for 12, my parents and wife's parents have been happily married for 30-35+. My issue isn't with the statement that "codependence and abandoning your individuality" is a path to misery, but with OP's huge extrapolations that giving 100% to marriage constitutes "codependence and abandoning your individuality"
  - maratd 11y ago
    > How long have you been married? 6 years now. 2 kids. Why?
    - sageabilly 11y ago
      FWIW, I've been married 12 years with no kids and your response to this comment was absolutely spot-on and the response I wanted to make when I first read it. You said it much more eloquently than I would have.
    - ryanwaggoner 11y ago
      I think you really misinterpreted the person you were responding to. This says it better than I can: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=10706886 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=10706886
- ZenoArrow 11y ago

maratd 11y ago

> Marriage requires time, energy, empathy. Yes! As do all things. If you're not willing to commit the time, energy, and empathy necessary to get a cooperative task done, don't start it. > It requires mental, physical, emotional and spiritual support. No! Co-dependence is the path to ruin. This is very different from empathy and rendering help. Don't be a crutch for anyone else. Ever. > A successful marriage forces two people to put the success of the marriage above their individual successes. No no no! This is the path to misery and unhappiness. Your interests should coincide! They should be mutually shared! The success of any partnership is based on common interests, not on the partners selflessly making themselves miserable for the sake of some perceived interest of the other party. Always pursue your own happiness. A healthy marriage is where you can make the other person happy by doing just that. > For it to work, individuality itself needs to be abandoned. Absolutely not! This sort of romantic nonsense plays well on Disney movies, but doesn't work in real life. You'll just make yourself miserable, then you'll make your partner miserable, then your kids, and then everyone else in your family. Absolutely take care of yourself FIRST. If you don't take care of yourself and your needs, you can't take of anyone else! Nobody needs a useless, moping wreck of a person who is always depressed. Take care of yourself, then take care of others. It works the same way as those emergency instructions you see on a plane. Put your mask on first. If you're not breathing, you can't help anyone else by definition. > So it's not really surprising that so many talented, ambitious people have had failing marriages. So many talented, ambitious people have failed marriages because they over-think things. They go on the Internet and read stupid posts. Normal people don't do that!

ryanwaggoner 11y ago
How long have you been married?
- groby_b 11y ago
  Not that I'm the person you ask, but for the sake of addressing your unspoken implication: 20 - and I concur with most of what the OP said. So does pretty much any therapist working with couples. We can quibble about details, but codependence and abandoning your individuality is the path to misery.
  - ryanwaggoner 11y ago
    Married for 12, my parents and wife's parents have been happily married for 30-35+. My issue isn't with the statement that "codependence and abandoning your individuality" is a path to misery, but with OP's huge extrapolations that giving 100% to marriage constitutes "codependence and abandoning your individuality"
- maratd 11y ago
  > How long have you been married? 6 years now. 2 kids. Why?
  - sageabilly 11y ago
    FWIW, I've been married 12 years with no kids and your response to this comment was absolutely spot-on and the response I wanted to make when I first read it. You said it much more eloquently than I would have.
  - ryanwaggoner 11y ago
    I think you really misinterpreted the person you were responding to. This says it better than I can: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=10706886 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=10706886
ZenoArrow 11y ago