6 ms·

>The degree to which people in cars notice me, recognize me and feel not only free but compelled to speak to me is downright creepy. If you are in a public loc

by Nadya 11y ago

>The degree to which people in cars notice me, recognize me and feel not only free but compelled to speak to me is downright creepy. If you are in a public location they have every right to attempt to speak to you. Likewise, you have every right to ignore them. At that point - they're being dicks if they do this - but they have the right to continue to try and speak to you. I believe there is a legal extent where this can be deemed harassment but until that point - they have the right to speak to you. I think the legal point is you explicitly telling them to leave you alone, at which point you can contact authorities. Acting uninterested or ignoring them is an implicit message but is not enough, AFAIK. (IANAL) >This is bizarre and noteworthy behavior in the U.S. You answered why people feel compelled to speak to you and I'm sure you're aware of this. You follow a bizarre behavior. Want to be ignored? Don't stand out. People who stand out get noticed. Also, legitimate question, how do you expect people to make new friends? Let's go under the following assumptions: 1) Nobody has a goddamn right to speak to you. 2) Likewise, you have no goddamn right to speak to anyone else You can see how that would be problematic for meeting new people and doesn't really jive with most humans (and most cultures) being social? I'm all for being anti-social and wanting people to leave you alone, especially if you're doing lawful-even-if-bizarre behavior. But to have an expectation that in a social culture in a public place that people will leave you alone seems a little out of touch.

Mz 11y ago
The detail you are missing is that there is a huge element of classicism. I walk everywhere. The people stopping me to chat me up are people who drive everywhere. They assume I am poor, which happens to be accurate at the moment but it is not why I walk. They recognize me. I do not recognise them. This creates a power imbalance. I walk everywhere because of my medical condition. Your advice to not be different if I want to not stand out is one I am, in some sense, fundamentally incapable of complying with. I am not actually antisocial. But I do see something incredibly problematic in the assumption, that you apparently agree with, that if I do not comply with the car owning cultural standard, other people have some right to butt into my life on grounds that I deserve it for the crime of being weird. I don't agree with you. Furthermore, given the default assumption that no car = must be poor, it is an abusive exercise of power to grill me and expect me to answer your questions. Speaking to people does not by default have to involve butting into their lives in an offensive and fundamentally disrespectful fashion. Real friends do not start the relationship by pissing all over you.
- Nadya 11y ago
  >I walk everywhere because of my medical condition. Your advice to not be different if I want to not stand out is one I am, in some sense, fundamentally incapable of complying with. You admitted yourself that the behavior is bizarre for the society you reside in - that's enough to stand out. I'm not saying you're in a position to change your behavior or even that you should. But you seem to be aware that it goes against social norms and attracts attention. Yet you turn around and act surprised and disgusted that it does. That seems disconnected to me. >But I do see something incredibly problematic in the assumptioin, that you apparently agree with, that if I do not comply with the car owning cultural standard, other people have some right to butt into my life on grounds that I deserve it for the crime of being weird. Putting words in my mouth. What I do agree with is that people have the right to speak to you and it is expected when in a public place within a social culture. I simply disagree with your social expectations and consider it more harmful to promote an isolated society over one where an occasional intrusion is beneficial. They can be irritating to an individual at times, but promoting a standard of isolation and ignoring other's is not something I can agree with. Yesterday, the power was out in my town for scheduled maintenance. I went over to my neighbor's house to ask if they were busy. Did I have any right to know if they were busy or not? No, how rude of me. They politely told me they had nothing to do and were waiting for the power to come back on. I did the oppressive act of asking them if they would like to play Chess until the power came on. Did I have the right to butt into his life like that? No, but he agreed to pass the time. In the end we enjoyed several hours of Chess until the power came back on. What I should have done is sat in a pitch-black house for 3 hours because I have absolutely no right to trespass onto private property to commit the revolting act of speaking to someone. I'm a terrible person for asking them to essentially be my entertainment while the power was out. I'm also an asshole for discriminating by age and suggesting Chess of all things, because I assumed a 70 year old man would be more familiar or willing to play Chess than Cards Against Humanity or some other time waster. Perspective matters. Your story made it seem like you felt you were being grilled because people were even trying to speak to you, you assume, because you are walking and that is bizarre. If you want to give it a narrative or illustrate how they were acting classist - what they say is a lot more important than the mere attempting to speak to you part. I don't agree that we would live in a better society if we ignored one another because we don't have explicit or implicit (ie: being at a social place like a bar or club) permission to speak with someone. Sometimes both parties benefit from unsolicited discussion. Other times one party gets annoyed. It's a trade off - and one I see as worth making.

by Nadya 11y ago

Mz 11y ago

The detail you are missing is that there is a huge element of classicism. I walk everywhere. The people stopping me to chat me up are people who drive everywhere. They assume I am poor, which happens to be accurate at the moment but it is not why I walk. They recognize me. I do not recognise them. This creates a power imbalance. I walk everywhere because of my medical condition. Your advice to not be different if I want to not stand out is one I am, in some sense, fundamentally incapable of complying with. I am not actually antisocial. But I do see something incredibly problematic in the assumption, that you apparently agree with, that if I do not comply with the car owning cultural standard, other people have some right to butt into my life on grounds that I deserve it for the crime of being weird. I don't agree with you. Furthermore, given the default assumption that no car = must be poor, it is an abusive exercise of power to grill me and expect me to answer your questions. Speaking to people does not by default have to involve butting into their lives in an offensive and fundamentally disrespectful fashion. Real friends do not start the relationship by pissing all over you.

Nadya 11y ago
>I walk everywhere because of my medical condition. Your advice to not be different if I want to not stand out is one I am, in some sense, fundamentally incapable of complying with. You admitted yourself that the behavior is bizarre for the society you reside in - that's enough to stand out. I'm not saying you're in a position to change your behavior or even that you should. But you seem to be aware that it goes against social norms and attracts attention. Yet you turn around and act surprised and disgusted that it does. That seems disconnected to me. >But I do see something incredibly problematic in the assumptioin, that you apparently agree with, that if I do not comply with the car owning cultural standard, other people have some right to butt into my life on grounds that I deserve it for the crime of being weird. Putting words in my mouth. What I do agree with is that people have the right to speak to you and it is expected when in a public place within a social culture. I simply disagree with your social expectations and consider it more harmful to promote an isolated society over one where an occasional intrusion is beneficial. They can be irritating to an individual at times, but promoting a standard of isolation and ignoring other's is not something I can agree with. Yesterday, the power was out in my town for scheduled maintenance. I went over to my neighbor's house to ask if they were busy. Did I have any right to know if they were busy or not? No, how rude of me. They politely told me they had nothing to do and were waiting for the power to come back on. I did the oppressive act of asking them if they would like to play Chess until the power came on. Did I have the right to butt into his life like that? No, but he agreed to pass the time. In the end we enjoyed several hours of Chess until the power came back on. What I should have done is sat in a pitch-black house for 3 hours because I have absolutely no right to trespass onto private property to commit the revolting act of speaking to someone. I'm a terrible person for asking them to essentially be my entertainment while the power was out. I'm also an asshole for discriminating by age and suggesting Chess of all things, because I assumed a 70 year old man would be more familiar or willing to play Chess than Cards Against Humanity or some other time waster. Perspective matters. Your story made it seem like you felt you were being grilled because people were even trying to speak to you, you assume, because you are walking and that is bizarre. If you want to give it a narrative or illustrate how they were acting classist - what they say is a lot more important than the mere attempting to speak to you part. I don't agree that we would live in a better society if we ignored one another because we don't have explicit or implicit (ie: being at a social place like a bar or club) permission to speak with someone. Sometimes both parties benefit from unsolicited discussion. Other times one party gets annoyed. It's a trade off - and one I see as worth making.