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> believe tracking their partner by going through their > computer or phone, or by installing phone and > computer tracking software One of those thing

> believe tracking their partner by going through their > computer or phone, or by installing phone and > computer tracking software One of those things is not like the others. Many of the married couples I know have "Find My Friends" on their phone for them and their partners, consensually, and it's exceptionally useful for short-term planning. This does not feel anything like going through their emails...

asuffield 11y ago
Also, how many couples actually keep their email secret from each other? How many would have no expectation of privacy here, and hence view the subject differently?
- Squarel 11y ago
  My BF knows my email address, and I know his, but going through each others computers/phones/whatever is a big nope.
  - executesorder66 11y ago
    Going through anyone's things (digital or physical) without their permission is obviously very wrong. But can I ask you what kinds of things you have on your computer/phone that you don't want you BF to see? Edit: My girlfriend and I have permission from each other to go through each other's phones/computers etc. and as a result of that we don't feel like the other person has anything to hide, and it brings us closer to each other. I have no interest in going through my girlfriend's phone/laptop, but if she refused to let me do that it would instantly bring up red flags that she doesn't trust me and that she can't be open with me. That's not the kind of relationship I'd like to be in.
    - mattlutze 11y ago
      Nothing or everything, what is there shouldn't be a/the question. Humans have a rare trait in being able to develop cyborg transparent interfaces with our tools. A hammer becomes your hand, as far as your brain is concerned, after you've used it long enough. Phones and other technology do the same thing for our minds. The photos we snap but never review are memories we're trying to collect. Phone calls or IMs a better history of conversations we've had. Someone else going through this technology w/o permission is like them having a way to psychically read your mind. Both are a violation of your self -- your identity, memories, what have you. It's a violation because just as we learn to use tools as physically indistinct appendages, so to do we use ways to capture our minds as indistinct appendages.
    - SmellyGeekBoy 11y ago
      I've had the same email account since the Gmail invite-only days, been on Facebook since 2007. If my GF wanted to look through it all with a fine tooth comb, she could, and there's nothing in there that I wouldn't want her to see. But the very fact that she felt like she had the need to look would suggest a huge failing in our relationship.
- TeMPOraL 11y ago
  Yup. Different couples have different agreements. Some share absolutely everything, others argree on private areas. For instance, I myself feel no problem with leaving my SO my Facebook or GMail session logged in, but sharing passwords with each other is off-limits. Not because of lack of trust, but as a general rule. If I happen to discover her password by accident[0], I forget it and ask her to change it. [0] - it happens, e.g. it's easy to accidentally mis-TAB when logging in to Facebook and have the password, appended to e-mail, saved in browser's auto-complete for login field.
- JustSomeNobody 11y ago
  My wife and I don't share email. We think spouses need some privacy. Our computers and phones are personal and private and only sharable if asked. Our work computers are completely off limits.
SmellyGeekBoy 11y ago
My partner and I are practically married and if one wants to know where the other is, we just ask. shrugs We have friends who do the "Find My Friends" thing and we actually find the whole concept pretty creepy.
- jws 11y ago
  I find location checking to be more civilized. The question being asked isn't "where are you?", it's somethings else like "should I pop home for lunch?" If my wife is out, then I don't need to interrupt her with a question. If she is home then I'll check. Similarly, if she is driving, I'll wait until she is someplace appropriate for interruptions before making contact. (Or the ever dicey "should I save the last few bites of my ice cream for you?" I've timed the ice cream so if she arrives at the usual time it works out, but if she is delayed then it will melt. No one wants to know they missed ice cream because they were detained.) Realistically "are you home?" and "are you driving?" are the only two predicates I care about, but I can answer that from location. After having location checking, the idea of initiating non-time sensitive communication without checking to see if it is in an appropriate location seems about as rude as asking a question of someone who is in mid sentence on a telephone.
- jethro_tell 11y ago
  We use 'find my friends' because we don't expect the other person to be able to reply quickly to a text. It's not only polite between us, it's polite to the people we are interacting with IRL. This means I can put my phone in my pocket and focus on the people I'm with and my partner can do the same. There is no, why didn't you answer my text, I've been trying to figure out if I should eat or wait. Edit: I find it creepy when couples are separated and they spend the whole time texting each other or looking at their phones waiting for a text.

asuffield 11y ago

Also, how many couples actually keep their email secret from each other? How many would have no expectation of privacy here, and hence view the subject differently?

Squarel 11y ago
My BF knows my email address, and I know his, but going through each others computers/phones/whatever is a big nope.
- executesorder66 11y ago
  Going through anyone's things (digital or physical) without their permission is obviously very wrong. But can I ask you what kinds of things you have on your computer/phone that you don't want you BF to see? Edit: My girlfriend and I have permission from each other to go through each other's phones/computers etc. and as a result of that we don't feel like the other person has anything to hide, and it brings us closer to each other. I have no interest in going through my girlfriend's phone/laptop, but if she refused to let me do that it would instantly bring up red flags that she doesn't trust me and that she can't be open with me. That's not the kind of relationship I'd like to be in.
  - mattlutze 11y ago
    Nothing or everything, what is there shouldn't be a/the question. Humans have a rare trait in being able to develop cyborg transparent interfaces with our tools. A hammer becomes your hand, as far as your brain is concerned, after you've used it long enough. Phones and other technology do the same thing for our minds. The photos we snap but never review are memories we're trying to collect. Phone calls or IMs a better history of conversations we've had. Someone else going through this technology w/o permission is like them having a way to psychically read your mind. Both are a violation of your self -- your identity, memories, what have you. It's a violation because just as we learn to use tools as physically indistinct appendages, so to do we use ways to capture our minds as indistinct appendages.
  - SmellyGeekBoy 11y ago
    I've had the same email account since the Gmail invite-only days, been on Facebook since 2007. If my GF wanted to look through it all with a fine tooth comb, she could, and there's nothing in there that I wouldn't want her to see. But the very fact that she felt like she had the need to look would suggest a huge failing in our relationship.
TeMPOraL 11y ago
Yup. Different couples have different agreements. Some share absolutely everything, others argree on private areas. For instance, I myself feel no problem with leaving my SO my Facebook or GMail session logged in, but sharing passwords with each other is off-limits. Not because of lack of trust, but as a general rule. If I happen to discover her password by accident[0], I forget it and ask her to change it. [0] - it happens, e.g. it's easy to accidentally mis-TAB when logging in to Facebook and have the password, appended to e-mail, saved in browser's auto-complete for login field.
JustSomeNobody 11y ago
My wife and I don't share email. We think spouses need some privacy. Our computers and phones are personal and private and only sharable if asked. Our work computers are completely off limits.

SmellyGeekBoy 11y ago

My partner and I are practically married and if one wants to know where the other is, we just ask. shrugs We have friends who do the "Find My Friends" thing and we actually find the whole concept pretty creepy.

jws 11y ago
I find location checking to be more civilized. The question being asked isn't "where are you?", it's somethings else like "should I pop home for lunch?" If my wife is out, then I don't need to interrupt her with a question. If she is home then I'll check. Similarly, if she is driving, I'll wait until she is someplace appropriate for interruptions before making contact. (Or the ever dicey "should I save the last few bites of my ice cream for you?" I've timed the ice cream so if she arrives at the usual time it works out, but if she is delayed then it will melt. No one wants to know they missed ice cream because they were detained.) Realistically "are you home?" and "are you driving?" are the only two predicates I care about, but I can answer that from location. After having location checking, the idea of initiating non-time sensitive communication without checking to see if it is in an appropriate location seems about as rude as asking a question of someone who is in mid sentence on a telephone.
jethro_tell 11y ago
We use 'find my friends' because we don't expect the other person to be able to reply quickly to a text. It's not only polite between us, it's polite to the people we are interacting with IRL. This means I can put my phone in my pocket and focus on the people I'm with and my partner can do the same. There is no, why didn't you answer my text, I've been trying to figure out if I should eat or wait. Edit: I find it creepy when couples are separated and they spend the whole time texting each other or looking at their phones waiting for a text.