6 ms·

Some of us lack social skills. I've struggled my entire life with this problem, and have barely learned to "fake it" well enough to pass as a normie. Also, sm

Some of us lack social skills. I've struggled my entire life with this problem, and have barely learned to "fake it" well enough to pass as a normie. Also, small towns in the South offer only one place for communal gatherings, church, and I don't do church.

A010 11y ago
> have barely learned to "fake it" well enough to pass as a normie So do I. I don't mind to practice social skills but I can smell the b.s in many people and don't like the fake socialization, so I prefer to be alone (now with my dog) with a small number of real friends who have the similar concept.
- mbrutsch 11y ago
  6 cats, 2 dogs, one wife, no friends, what more could any insane homeworker ask for?
- deleted 11y ago
  [deleted]
- mirimir 11y ago
  I've learned to "fake it" so well that I can seem more social than my wife, who is a very social person. And yet, I'm always aware (on some level) that I'm faking it. Life is funny ;)
  - sliverstorm 11y ago
    Now imagine that everyone else was "faking it" too. That's always a real mindbender to imagine for me. Because to some degree we are all faking it, but then when does the front become reality?
    - mirimir 11y ago
      Yes, that's a mindbender. It's not easy to talk about. People tend to get defensive. Most smiles that I see seem forced, for example. And even when I'm eavesdropping. So it's not just about me ;) But it can be learned. Decades later, I still vividly recall the video sessions at the start and end of the est 6-Day course. Most people managed to own their act.
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
coldtea 11y ago
>Also, small towns in the South offer only one place for communal gatherings, church, and I don't do church. Well, there are also concerts, bars, bbqs, community work, political gatherings, etc. Even a yard sale can be a start.
- toolz 11y ago
  There is nothing that compares to church in the southeast when it comes to social events and getting to know new people. So many varieties of people at all stages of life. If they didn't spend so much time preaching down on people outside of religion I would be at church at least a couple times a week.
  - lotharbot 11y ago
    find a different church. (Unless you're in a town so small that there's only one.)
  - joshuacc 11y ago
    The amount of "preaching down" varies a lot by denomination. Pretty common in Southern Baptist churches. Pretty uncommon in Episcopal churches. Catholic churches pretty much depend on the temperament of the pastor.
  - jpindar 11y ago
    >There is nothing that compares to church Not even football?
- mbrutsch 11y ago
  With the exception of the fine Tea Party and their gatherings, we don't have those things.
blinkingled 11y ago
The key is to be comfortable with it - I was fighting the same oh-my-god-im-socially-poor thing but then I realized I don't happen to enjoy being in company of people not very close to me. I've since embraced it - I no longer view that as some kind of deficit I need to compensate for. And you know what that has made me better socially. It might sound weird but when you drop the whole expectation burden, when you no longer try to fit in, you become yourself and other people naturally like that.
- agumonkey 11y ago
  Useless comment[1] but most of the truth lies here. [1] mine, obviously ;)
  - blinkingled 11y ago
    Not really useless - external validation does good things to introvert's social confidence :)
norea-armozel 11y ago
Sadly it gets worse you factor in if you're a member of the LGBT community like me. It's why I had to get a therapist and move to a bigger town. Just so I can get out of my shell and stop being scared to talk to anyone. :S
- mbrutsch 11y ago
  I just never came out. No issues here <twitch>
  - deleted 11y ago
    [deleted]
agumonkey 11y ago
What astonishes me is that a lot of people struggle with this, but somehow 'we' all try to fake it.
- personlurking 11y ago
  I see the problem as the fact that people actually feel the need to be social in the first place. If you're fine inside your own head and with your own thoughts, there's less of a pull to need to be social. If I don't like something or I'm not doing well, I want people to know. I want people to be human (in the way I feel I am).
  - agumonkey 11y ago
    That's a bit self-referential. People not at ease socially are also often not very clear about themselves. How many have a phase (years or decades) where you keep running around and then you finally click and stop caring that much about society's opinions. An actor said he had deep personality disorders, had to go through therapy for 20 years. He's still as weird, but he doesn't give a f. now. I went through this very slowly too. I knew someone who had the same kind of small epiphany.
    - personlurking 11y ago
      Sure, but at the same time, not caring about having to be social is also not giving a f. Works both ways. It could also be said that it's not something to be fixed, but rather a reason to seek out like-minded people. As an overall example (unconnected with seeking out like-minded people), I'm social when I feel like being social (40% of the time) and not when I don't. For those in a similar situation, to be made to feel bad about themselves and their choices, I don't think that's necessarily helpful.
Retra 11y ago
I've been accused of having poor social skills, but I think that's a rude enough thing to accuse someone of that it just screams hypocrisy. I've been told my quietness makes people uncomfortable, but telling people that they are being quiet is... supposed to achieve what? That's not a way to start a conversation, it just puts people into a defensive mode. How graceful! I've been told I don't smile enough. I would be a poor comedian indeed if I went on stage demanding that people laugh simply because they paid for the seats like it's an obligation. I have perfectly fine social skills. I just know what my priorities are, and I'm not willing to pretend you are one just because you'd like me to. I don't value that inconsistency.
- nostrademons 11y ago
  It's easier just to not hang out with people you don't like. Then you can avoid getting accused of having poor social skills because they won't even know you.
  - victorhn 11y ago
    Is not always an option, for example with certain people on your job.
    - nostrademons 11y ago
      If there are specific people on your job that you don't like, you do have to be professional & cordial when working with them, but you don't have to socialize with them besides that. If you don't like anybody at your job, it's time to find a new job.
- ndhc3 11y ago
  >I just know what my priorities are, and I'm not willing to pretend you are one just because you'd like me to. That's what having good social skills is.
  - Retra 11y ago
    I wouldn't say you had bad basketball skills just because you have better things to do than play the game with me. There are people who are a priority to me, and they seem to like my social skills just fine. And if someone wants that out of me, they aren't going to get there by telling me I have poor social skills or that I don't smile enough. That's burning your bridges, and not an example of someone in a position to offer criticism.
willhinsa 11y ago
Have you considered moving to a place with more people like you? It can work wonders.
orangebread 11y ago
Good news is social skills is something you can learn.

A010 11y ago

> have barely learned to "fake it" well enough to pass as a normie So do I. I don't mind to practice social skills but I can smell the b.s in many people and don't like the fake socialization, so I prefer to be alone (now with my dog) with a small number of real friends who have the similar concept.

mbrutsch 11y ago
6 cats, 2 dogs, one wife, no friends, what more could any insane homeworker ask for?
deleted 11y ago
[deleted]
mirimir 11y ago
I've learned to "fake it" so well that I can seem more social than my wife, who is a very social person. And yet, I'm always aware (on some level) that I'm faking it. Life is funny ;)
- sliverstorm 11y ago
  Now imagine that everyone else was "faking it" too. That's always a real mindbender to imagine for me. Because to some degree we are all faking it, but then when does the front become reality?
  - mirimir 11y ago
    Yes, that's a mindbender. It's not easy to talk about. People tend to get defensive. Most smiles that I see seem forced, for example. And even when I'm eavesdropping. So it's not just about me ;) But it can be learned. Decades later, I still vividly recall the video sessions at the start and end of the est 6-Day course. Most people managed to own their act.

deleted 11y ago

[deleted]

coldtea 11y ago

>Also, small towns in the South offer only one place for communal gatherings, church, and I don't do church. Well, there are also concerts, bars, bbqs, community work, political gatherings, etc. Even a yard sale can be a start.

toolz 11y ago
There is nothing that compares to church in the southeast when it comes to social events and getting to know new people. So many varieties of people at all stages of life. If they didn't spend so much time preaching down on people outside of religion I would be at church at least a couple times a week.
- lotharbot 11y ago
  find a different church. (Unless you're in a town so small that there's only one.)
- joshuacc 11y ago
  The amount of "preaching down" varies a lot by denomination. Pretty common in Southern Baptist churches. Pretty uncommon in Episcopal churches. Catholic churches pretty much depend on the temperament of the pastor.
- jpindar 11y ago
  >There is nothing that compares to church Not even football?
mbrutsch 11y ago
With the exception of the fine Tea Party and their gatherings, we don't have those things.

blinkingled 11y ago

The key is to be comfortable with it - I was fighting the same oh-my-god-im-socially-poor thing but then I realized I don't happen to enjoy being in company of people not very close to me. I've since embraced it - I no longer view that as some kind of deficit I need to compensate for. And you know what that has made me better socially. It might sound weird but when you drop the whole expectation burden, when you no longer try to fit in, you become yourself and other people naturally like that.

agumonkey 11y ago
Useless comment[1] but most of the truth lies here. [1] mine, obviously ;)
- blinkingled 11y ago
  Not really useless - external validation does good things to introvert's social confidence :)

norea-armozel 11y ago

Sadly it gets worse you factor in if you're a member of the LGBT community like me. It's why I had to get a therapist and move to a bigger town. Just so I can get out of my shell and stop being scared to talk to anyone. :S

mbrutsch 11y ago
I just never came out. No issues here <twitch>
- deleted 11y ago
  [deleted]

agumonkey 11y ago

What astonishes me is that a lot of people struggle with this, but somehow 'we' all try to fake it.

personlurking 11y ago
I see the problem as the fact that people actually feel the need to be social in the first place. If you're fine inside your own head and with your own thoughts, there's less of a pull to need to be social. If I don't like something or I'm not doing well, I want people to know. I want people to be human (in the way I feel I am).
- agumonkey 11y ago
  That's a bit self-referential. People not at ease socially are also often not very clear about themselves. How many have a phase (years or decades) where you keep running around and then you finally click and stop caring that much about society's opinions. An actor said he had deep personality disorders, had to go through therapy for 20 years. He's still as weird, but he doesn't give a f. now. I went through this very slowly too. I knew someone who had the same kind of small epiphany.
  - personlurking 11y ago
    Sure, but at the same time, not caring about having to be social is also not giving a f. Works both ways. It could also be said that it's not something to be fixed, but rather a reason to seek out like-minded people. As an overall example (unconnected with seeking out like-minded people), I'm social when I feel like being social (40% of the time) and not when I don't. For those in a similar situation, to be made to feel bad about themselves and their choices, I don't think that's necessarily helpful.

Retra 11y ago

I've been accused of having poor social skills, but I think that's a rude enough thing to accuse someone of that it just screams hypocrisy. I've been told my quietness makes people uncomfortable, but telling people that they are being quiet is... supposed to achieve what? That's not a way to start a conversation, it just puts people into a defensive mode. How graceful! I've been told I don't smile enough. I would be a poor comedian indeed if I went on stage demanding that people laugh simply because they paid for the seats like it's an obligation. I have perfectly fine social skills. I just know what my priorities are, and I'm not willing to pretend you are one just because you'd like me to. I don't value that inconsistency.

nostrademons 11y ago
It's easier just to not hang out with people you don't like. Then you can avoid getting accused of having poor social skills because they won't even know you.
- victorhn 11y ago
  Is not always an option, for example with certain people on your job.
  - nostrademons 11y ago
    If there are specific people on your job that you don't like, you do have to be professional & cordial when working with them, but you don't have to socialize with them besides that. If you don't like anybody at your job, it's time to find a new job.
ndhc3 11y ago
>I just know what my priorities are, and I'm not willing to pretend you are one just because you'd like me to. That's what having good social skills is.
- Retra 11y ago
  I wouldn't say you had bad basketball skills just because you have better things to do than play the game with me. There are people who are a priority to me, and they seem to like my social skills just fine. And if someone wants that out of me, they aren't going to get there by telling me I have poor social skills or that I don't smile enough. That's burning your bridges, and not an example of someone in a position to offer criticism.

willhinsa 11y ago

Have you considered moving to a place with more people like you? It can work wonders.

orangebread 11y ago

Good news is social skills is something you can learn.